Dear Internet and prospective employers,
I don't ignore my shortcomings, but I try to minimize the negative impact they may have on other people. Instead of hiding my secrets and character flaws, I tell stories about them.
Here is one such story..
“You should take it easy on the lattes, Mrs. B. Don't kid yourself, caffeine is a serious drug.”
From the TV show, “Weeds”
Coffee and I have a turbulent relationship. You think I would have learned by now. But as with any dysfunctional relationship, I keep it around and hope that things will change between us.
It's so hot and sunny out. Iced coffee sounds just perfect right now.
I have a lot of stuff to do. I think coffee is just the thing to help me focus.
Just one cup can't hurt, right?
So I will make a cup of coffee and gulp it down savor the rich taste. Maybe my motivation will spike and my focus will sharpen. Sometimes I will even feel happy and content with my caffeine high.
See, I can do it. I had a cup of coffee and the world didn't end.
But a few hours later that focus turns on its edge, and paranoia will infiltrate my otherwise perfectly rational brain.
I made pizza before I left the house, but I was in a hurry. Did I leave the oven on? Is the house burning down?!
I cut my finger the other day. It feels hot.. I feel hot.. do I have a fever? Is it getting infected? Will I contract a methicillin-resistant staph infection and DIE?!
These were two actual mental freak-outs I experienced today. It's not fun, and it certainly doesn't add anything but stress to my life. The problem is, every so often I will disregard common sense and reach for that cup of pure, delicious evil.
This dilemma is a classic Right Brain vs. Left Brain conflict. My craving for coffee is fueled by the idea of an experience. My aversion to coffee is due to the reality of this experience. I don't consume coffee on a regular basis, so I choose to drink coffee when the idea (Right Brain) becomes a more powerful influence than the reality.
So, Right Brain got a little carried away. I think Left Brain could help fix this problem. So, here's a cost-benefit analysis!
BENEFITS
Delicious.
It's really tasty (but only with cream, sugar, sometimes flavoring syrups, sometimes ice.)
Mental clarity.
It can help me focus for one or two hours.
Sensory appeal.
The warmth of a cup on a snowy day, or the cold, earthy-sweet refreshment on a hot day.
An intangible sense of satisfaction.
COSTS
Developed a fear of airplane travel.
A few summers ago, my grandmother and I had an early flight to North Carolina.
Since I had to get up around 3am, I thought it would be an excellent idea to drink a large quantity of iced coffee before the flight to help wake me up.
After takeoff, I became convinced that the plane was going to crash and we would all die.
Paranoia.
See above example about leaving the oven on. This is generally manifested as a belief that I have forgotten something important that leads to my house burning down.
Hypochondria.
See above example about the infected cut on my finger. My experience with Lyme Disease certainly doesn't help matters.
Messes with my sleep schedule.
That whole caffeine thing and all.
I wish I could say that this is all hyperbole, telling a grand story about something that millions of people consume on a daily basis. For some reason, my mind and body react in a rather extreme way. Sure, I can't blame all of these things on coffee, but it might not be a bad idea to start meditating again, ditch the coffee and stick with yerba mate.
Edit: It's the next day, my house didn't burn down and the cut on my finger is healing. I didn't get much sleep last night (because, well yeah) but otherwise things are okay. The coffee is in the compost heap and a batch of mate is in the fridge, and I remembered that iced chai is even better than iced coffee. So there ya go.
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